We're going to attempt this as our morning pages place.
The world is a dumpster fire and feeling very disoriented seeing the side I thought I was on be so wrong and terrible. Always learning, even at 45 I guess.
Oh good lord, Considering the 45 this page feels really deranged, with its theme and name. Not a child anymore. But I'd like to be, maybe a little. Not so much the complete lack of power but in maybe the lack of responsibility. I don't know what I'm feeling right now just very much not interested in work or anything else. Want to stay glued to my phone obsessing over the latest of everything but obviously that contributes to the current mental state, so best if otherwise occupied.
Have so many things to do but so little functional motivation and ability to do it. Not sure how ever to propel myself into tasks. Sometimes it does just happen, but usually aided by medication and desperation because things have gotten so out of hand. Will need to figure out how to do my job better; the more I get off my plate, the harder it seems to keep it together and focus on the critical tasks. Never did get that discipline and training for just sitting down and methodically doing work, unless under duress of some kind.
Maybe the anxiety is then a way of creating that duress. Or really, it is what it is---which is anxiety because I have not and cannot do what I need and the work piles up, the overwhelm grows and the general feeling of failure (a comfort?) overrides.
Funny to see 30 years have made zero difference in this regard. The same rollercoaster of emotion and internal chaos persists at 45 as it did at 15. Don't grow old kids.