This is yet another attempt and bid at writing more. We'll see how well this goes. If I'm being honest with myself--its not likely to go very far.
I have toyed with the idea of starting an entirely new diary... this one feels so incongruous to who I am now. The girl that started this diary feels long gone and both incredibly naive as well as irritating. Perhaps I should consider whether what's irritating is I haven't really changed as much as I had hoped.
Well, this is the part where I catch you up to date, right? Ok, well... Life has been interesting. Clearly I haven't written anything in a couple of years. And yet, not much has really changed. Except that a lot has, of course.
Life has taken some turns but seemingly much of it has ended up in the same general neighborhood. Took a minor detour out of advertising for a spell, but hated it. Still hate advertising, but I guess I hate other "real" corporate life even more. **Shrug**
Dating was put on indefinite pause while I tried to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me for still choosing these unavailable messes (see previous entries about Tommy & Stan)...
I don't think I actually figured out what the hell was wrong with me but I have managed to find someone who gets me as I am, in all my mess and chaos. And I am happy.... I feel connected and seen in a way I haven't felt in a very long time. (And truthfully, in hindsight, the last times I felt this way I was severely mistaken so this also gives me some pause from smugly proclaiming I have found HIM)...
I guess you can say I'm cautiously optimistic but trying not to allow my own shit to sabotage this. I've definitely hit some self-sabotage bumps but this guy is not putting up with my bullshit, in a good way. He challenges me and really expects a lot of me. Sometimes I find myself resenting it a bit because I don't quite believe in myself the way he seems to believe in me and having to meet that standard feels too difficult. LOL. How quickly I run from discomfort of any kind...
I have all these big beautiful ideas about the ways I'm going to push myself to grow, the ways I'm going to get my shit together and finally tackle all my junk-- both literal and figurative. But still I have a pile of laundry that grows daily without so much as a limb being moved in service of tackling it. Kitchen cabinets that have swelled back to being as stuffed as they were in December when I did a complete decluttering. Boxes of papers literally breaking and oooooozing their stuffing over my living room because I can't be bother with sorting for shredding. And long list of To-Dos that barely get glanced at except the next week I check in on my progress.. (and the progress is nearly always nil)
So yeah, what has really changed in me from the girl who started this diary nearly 20 years ago? NEARLY TWENTY YEARS AGO. Holy shit. How does the time fly and the progress crawl so slowly.
I can see big differences of course. And really the thing that RRR has opened my eyes to is there were so many things I saw as positive changes that were really just a shift in my view, and a way to make right out of wrong, a way to shut off my feelings instead of dealing with them because I was so overwhelmed. Its like having run the length of the marathon but realizing at the end you've gone way off course and haven't actually achieved your goal. (That is a terrible analogy).
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